Have you ever wondered why your man doesn’t hear the words you tell him as you meant them? Does he ask you sometimes, “What do you mean?”  “What do you want me to do?” after you just told him what you want?

As John Grey says, it’s like we are from different planets, Mars and Venus, and we speak different languages.

I am going to tell you the most effective words you can ever use when talking to your man,  the ones that will allow him to hear what you are really saying to him.

First, you need to understand a little bit about how your man’s brain works. You see, he uses mostly the left side of his brain to communicate, which means that he communicates logically. However, don’t ever let anyone make you think that communicating logically is the only way to go or even the best way. Certainly, it is highly useful in business and science, but when you are talking about why a teenager is depressed, or why a society is suddenly against a certain policy, logic does not always win the day.

You see, women  communicate with both the right and the left hemispheres of the  brain. Adding in the right hemisphere gives us  more awareness to body language, tone of voice and facial expressions, just to name a few. These are all forms of communication that logic may not detect. How logical is low self-esteem or embarrassment? Women can detect these subtle messages that logic misses completely. How does a mother know when her teenage daughter is lying? The signs are so subtle that often only the right side of the brain will notice.

This is all super important to keep in mind when making sounds like huffing, sighing or scrunching your nose and your man has no idea what you mean, although your girlfriends would. So, to ensure he “hears” you, and understands your meaning, you first must use your words in a more logical way.  You should never expect him to pick up the subtleties that we all wish men could see without us having to say a word.

Second, and even more important, is to use words that matter to him. There are lots of things we might say that have very little meaning to a man, or have a negative meaning. For example, never say, “We need to talk.” You will get a terrible result from him. However, if you simply say, “I need your help.” Dunt ta da! To the rescue here comes your man. If you have not emasculated him or broken your bond with him, the words, “I need your help” are very important words to him. Men want to be needed. Men want to save the day. It is built into their DNA.  Maybe a few are missing this gene, but, for the most part, men want to be THE MAN, THE HERO, JAMES BOND. That is great news for you! All you have to do is keep in mind that what you need done requires a hero, and you happen to sleep with one.

The last thing to make sure you do when talking with your man is to know when to speak to him. Yes, there are times when it is NOT a good time to talk with your man. These are times like: the final minutes to a football or baseball  game he is watching; when he is under the car changing the oil; or when he is focused on figuring something out.

Another way that the “Mars” brain works different from the “Venus” brain is that women can change directions in our thoughts and come back to where we were without missing a beat, or missing enough beats to matter to us. For example, I can be focused on a writing project and be interrupted by phone calls, emails and a visitor and then jump right back into my writing without feeling frustrated or losing  my focus. But men have a different ability to focus than we do. They tend to focus in a very deep, all-encompassing way on what they are doing, especially if a task requires their absolute attention.

So, if you ask him if a bill was paid in the middle of his oil change, or football game, he has to break his focus, like pulling a suction cup off a window, you break that seal, and when your question is done, it takes him time to build back up to that strong suction bond he had with his task.

Instead, all you have to remember is to say, “I need your help when you have a minute.” Trust me. He will make time to be helpful, even if being helpful means that he answers a question about whether or not a bill was paid. He was still helpful. And let him know, “Thank you for your help.” Appreciation and admiration are his motivators to do more for you. If he paid that bill, even better. “Wow, that was super helpful. Thank you!!”